I got my hair cut last week at a salon in the mall. I've always had long hair, and always hesitate going to a salon. Over the past couple of years, I've been lucky enough to have friends who are skilled in the hair cutting department and have been willing to cut my hair for me. Unfortunately I badly needed a haircut and none of those friends were in the immediate vicinity. So I was forced to go to the salon in the mall. After my hair was cut, I identified the 12 subsequent stages of dealing with the new hairstyle.
1) Apprehension. (pre-haircut)
Your thoughts are something similar to this "I need a hair cut. I don't want a haircut. I should get a haircut. I'm gonna get a haircut. I don't want to!! I don't know what to do". (then you eat some chocolate)
2) Decision and Action
You take a deep breath, get in your car and drive to wherever you're going to get your hair cut. When you get there, you tell them what you want, sit in the chair and let the stylist take over.
3) Nervousness (during the haircut)
You worry whether your new style will look good. You want to give constant direction to the stylist -- "don't cut that part too short." "Don't leave that part too long" "I SAID NO LAYERS".... You're silent freaking out in your head and praying to the hair gods that your stylist knows what's gonna look good on your head even though you've never met them before in your life and they know nothing about you except what you've told them in response to their prying questions in the chair. You begin to hyperventilate. (Tip: To lessen the intensity of Stage 3, bring a friend to tell you the new cut looks good as it's happening. Tell them to lie if they need to).
4) Lying (post haircut)
The cut is done and your stylist turns you to face the mirror. You look for a second and force yourself to "like" the cut, and then to assure your stylist that they did a good job. You don't completely assess the hair situation because you feel pressured to give your stylist positive reinforcement and all you want to do is pay your tab and get the heck out of there because you've been sitting in that chair for what seems like hours. So you lie to yourself that you like the cut, and you lie to your stylist that you like the cut and you avoid actually looking at yourself in the mirror.
5) Attempted Analysis
This happens after you leave the salon while you're checking yourself out in every single reflective surface you pass. You're walking or driving or something so you can't stop to stare at yourself because people will think you're weird. You try to catch little glances of yourself in the windows you pass or in the rearview mirror but it's not enough to figure out what your hair really looks like.
6) Actual Analysis
You find a mirror and are finally able to look at your new hair cut from every angle. Which leads to State 7....
7) Panic
Your thoughts are similar to this: "What the?.....I hate it! Omg I hate it. It's horrible. It isn't what I asked for. They stylist didn't listen to me and she has ruined my hair! Aaaahhh!!" You begin to hyperventilate again and want to curl up in the fetal position on the floor.
8) Second Look
You leave the bathroom for a while, find a different mirror, find different lighting, give yourself some time. Go back to the mirror and think: Ok, I guess this is acceptable. Maybe it's not so bad. I can probably maybe deal with this...
9) Re-Analysis
This happens the next day. You've slept on it and/or washed it. You look in the mirror again and think "Holy shit. It looks like crap. I hate it, it's horrible, it isn't what I asked for, the stylist didn't listen to me and she has ruined my hair." You cry a little bit.
10) Outrage
You feel manipulated. You're mad at the stylist for not listening to you and for not doing what you asked. How dare they decide that you should have that haircut when you specifically told them what you wanted? You're pissed that you paid more than you wanted to. Angry that you felt under pressure to tell the stylist what you thought. Mad that you tipped her. THIS is why you hate going to salons in the first place. You complain to everyone possible. Contemplate going back to the salon to demand that your cut be fixed or you get your money back. Your mouse pointer lingers over the "leave feedback" link on the salons website. You stomp around the house. You post angry things on your social networking site. You stare at yourself in the mirror and lament the shearing of your locks. On the internet, you look up what vitamins will make your hair grow faster. On your calendar you plot the next date you have to be in public for a function and try to extrapolate how much your hair will grow between now and then. You are not optimistic and contemplate buying a wig.
11) Complacency
You feel bad posting negative feedback on the website because you feel like the stylist is probably oblivious to the job she did. Your friends no longer assuage your fears and whining by telling you how cute you look. You force yourself to stop looking in the mirror all the time and picking apart all the things you hate about the cut. Your hair will grow out. You hope. Over night.
12) Grudging acceptance (weeks after haircut)(very rare)
You got your hair cut. There's nothing you can do. You forget about it and move on with your life. You still avoid looking in mirrors.
Personally, I'm still at stage 10 right now, and don't expect to get anywhere near 11 in the near future. You can just forget about me getting to 12. Not gonna happen. Just because your stylist thinks that you look like Jennifer Aniston (which you don't), doesn't mean she should cut your hair like Jennifer Aniston's (because it's ugly). ARGH
The End
(this post is dedicated to my friend Kimberly. Not because she had anything do to with my haircut, but because I promised to dedicate a blog to her :-) Ta-da!)
